#MondayBlogs: (Totally Not Serious) Author Bio Generator

I discovered this Totally Not Serious Author Bio Generator via Helen at Journey to Ambeth, and as I like a giggle I thought I’d have a go and share it for Rachel Thompson’s @RachelintheOC,#MondayBlogs.

See if you’d like to try it out –  the more crazy and humorous the better! Her link is at the end of the post – so do visit her blog to congratulate her on coming up with this awesome idea. By the way I’m currently reading Helen’s book Oak and Mist and will be reviewing that soon, so do keep an eye out for that.

Just fill in the blanks!!!!!

(your name) was born (time, place) and grew up in (place, dimension etc) learning to (do something odd). They left (your birthplace) for (a far flung destination) where they (did something amazing). (your name) now lives in (somewhere fabulous and unusual) with their (living companions). When not writing bestselling novels, (your name) likes to (do some sort of unusual and creative hobby).

I kind of got a bit carried away with mine, it started off as a short paragraph and grew….. into a mini story… I really enjoyed this! This is about 90% true,  ha ha…… I had an unusual childhood!

My Funny Author Bio:

 

Marjorie Mallon was born many moons ago in the Mount Alvernia Hospital in Singapore, otherwise known as The Lion City.  She grew up in a high rise heaven scraper in a mountainous court in Hong Kong.

Her Far East stint was cut short by her crazy parents who decided that the relentless humidity, fabulous food, and endless parties were too much to bear.  They dragged her spotty soul to the frozen wasteland of Scotland. Kicking and screaming she left her exotic childhood and her much loved dog Topsy too. Relentless tears and a posh attaché briefcase made this girl a target for primary school bullies. In this new regime she was duty bound to master Scottish country dancing, haggis bashing, farting, bagpipe playing and a whole new Och Aye lingo. Some say that this Scottish coming of age convert heard tell of the root of all evil: the thing that lives in hiding beyond the ken of the kilted sporran!

As a teenager she travelled to many far flung destinations to visit her abacus wielding wayfarer dad Ronald. On one such occasion steel bands were playing Calypso music. A silver barracuda swam by. It viewed her snorkelling bikini clad body, longing to take a big bite. This began a pattern that has continued to this day. With dogs’ fangs replacing barracudas’ teeth, she returned to her mother’s birthplace, Kuching, otherwise known as cat city. Her friendly Malaysian relatives introduced her to a ferocious dog called Blackie who sniffed her frightened butt. She must have smelt pretty terrible -it was a scorcher of a day – poor Blackie whimpered and ran away! It didn’t end there……more animals became a feature of her adult life. Notably an angry female Orang-Utan chased her unfit ass out of the Malaysian jungle believing that she was a threat to her babies!

She still monkeys about as much as possible, would love to own a cat, or a replacement Topsy but refuses to entertain any murderous dogs, knife wielding maniacs, or over-protective monkeys.

It’s rumoured that she lives in the calm punting Venice of Cambridge, with a six foot hunk of a Rock God husband, and two enchanted daughters. These youthful babes are often seen surfing the country park lake before the soul stealing trees awaken.

Of course after such an insane upbringing her author’s mind has taken complete and utter leave of its senses and she now lives in a fantasy world where her family and complete strangers pay her millions to write all day and every day. When she’s not writing bestselling novels, she likes to eat exotic delicacies while belly dancing, and surfs to the far reaches of the moon to keep her abs trim. To chill out she practises Tai Chi and Yoga on the crest of a wave. If the adventurous mood takes her she goes snorkelling with mermaids, or signs up for idyllic holidays with Ch’i lin (or K’i lin), the Chinese Unicorn. This mythical creature radiates a myriad of extraordinary colours, and has a voice that sings like a thousand wind chimes.

She is a child of the light and the dark. Her motto is simply this: Do what you love,  stay true to your heart’s desires, remain as young at heart as you can – and  inspire others to do so too, even if it appears that the odds are stacked like black hearted shadows against you…

 

I loved writing this!!! It was such fun……Do have a go and don’t forget to link it back to Helen’s original post:   Helen’s Link 

Can you guess what’s true and what I’ve made up or embellished?

Bye for now,

Marje @ Kyrosmagica xx

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