I had the idea for Linda’s One Liner Wednesday #1linerWeds after reading fellow blogger, Brian Lageose’s post about the woes of aging: https://lageose.wordpress.com/2013/10/25/10-more-signs-that-your-body-just-isnt-what-it-used-to-be/
My one liner is: He would kill for a coffee.
Brian’s wonderful post has a multitude of one liners which I have highlighted below in bold. These ones particularly made me laugh:
You wake up in the morning and you aren’t really sure who you are.
Tick. Sometimes I wake up and have this uncanny feeling that I am my mother…. apparently we looked the split image of each other when I was born. The older I get the more I seem to look like her….. Other times I get dead limbs…. you wake up and your body just isn’t living… your left arm or right arm, or whatever part of your anatomy has died a death. A sort of living nightmare of what it will be like scenario, scary, so in terror you slap that unresponsive limb until it submits. One slap just doesn’t do it so you really hammer at it until it gives in. Sigh…
Things hurt that shouldn’t
My knees creek. If I could oil them I would but sadly that isn’t an option. Oh and cramp, it strikes whenever it fancies. One evening I’d been grocery shopping. I backed my car into the drive and a vicious cramp struck with no warning. Thank goodness I wasn’t driving anywhere far. I jumped out of my car and did a little cramp jig, hopping about, hoping my neighbours wouldn’t spot me!
Your bladder has been secretively removed and replaced with a defective piece of crap made in China.
Yep, so true. I pee all the time, this is annoying especially when I am right in the middle of watching my favourite TV programme. I have to get up and pee. When I’m shopping I need to take a break at regular intervals to pee, etc. Then my daughter says: “You have to go again? You’ve just been mum.” Ah, the joys of youth, she just doesn’t have a clue what it is like to need the loo. Really need it. Sadly one day she will know….
Coffee = A Will to Live.
No. 4 on Brian’s list ain’t me! I’m still a youngster!!!
Okay that’s a bit of a joke but I can function without coffee in the morning… Nevertheless Brian’s words sum it up for so many: “For someone my age? The coffee stops me from taking your life when you ask an otherwise innocent question about how my day is going. Not kidding.”
Brian’s brilliant one-liner about coffee brought me back to a particular experience many years ago. My brother had travelled down from the rugged shores of Scotland, from the capital city Edinburgh, no less, to visit me in Cambridge. Everything went so well to begin with but ……the very next morning disaster struck. He greeted me looking a bit dishevelled and started riffling in my cupboards. His horrified expression suggested that he was getting more and more distressed. In a terrified howl he uttered the words he hoped he would never have to say: “Where is the ****ing coffee?” I can’t remember his exact words so I might be doing him a disservice here but an expletive or two might be in order to convey his sense of total utter outrage.
There was no coffee. Not a grain. Nada.
My heart sunk. I knew in that moment that the last grains had been mercilessly boiled, and drank the previous evening. What a terrible sister! As an avid morning tea drinker I had forgotten all about the coffee that my brother craved to kick start his day. His messy hair seemed to stand up in spikes of rising accusation. His face turned grey . He looked as if he wanted to take the word coffee and slice the ending off (coff…. ee,) to replace it with coffin. Mine. He began pacing to and fro, and then in one swift movement, he grabbed a cigarette, and made for the door. He tried to open this exit way barring his escape but it was locked. Oops. His turned back to me, eyes wild with fury. I rushed to get the key. I opened it. He slammed the door behind him. But if looks could kill I’d be dead. Past tense. Finito.
Shortly after he returned, caressing his precious coffee jar. He put the kettle on to boil. He poured that first exquisite cup, that elixir, he drank it, replenishing his soul.
I had been spared!
But my stress levels had hit the roof! I needed a calming herbal tea to recover.
Hope you liked my one-liner Wednesday!
I’m sure Brian and many of you morning coffee drinkers will identify with the sheer horror of such a disastrous moment!
If you’d like to join in with this regular Wednesday blog event here’s the link to Linda’s blog:
This is also my post for Colleen at Silver Threading’s Writer’s Quote Wednesday and Ronovan Writes #BeWow: Be Wonderful Wednesday and Be Writing Wednesday: http://silverthreading.com/2016/01/27/writers-quote-wednesday-bewow-ian-mcewan/
This might seem like a strange #BeWow post but my point is this: if you can take an unfortunate experience and turn it into a lesson then I do believe it can be a wonderful thing to do. I have never forgotten this experience. It is now indelibly stored in my memory in large exclamation marks…. !!!!
We all learn from our mistakes! We all make them, nobody’s perfect. We’re all on the same path, some young, some a little older than others but we are all walking our way towards the twilight of our lives. So let’s support each other. Laugh at the ups and downs and whatever you do next time you have a family member visiting make sure you don’t neglect them like I did. Little things can make their visit wonderful. Whatever you do don’t forget to have a full jar of coffee, a glass of their favourite wine or whatever creature comforts they crave. These little treasures really can be a lifeline to make them feel at home.
Here are three wonderful quotes about the undisputed joys of coffee:
“What do you want?”
“Just coffee. Black – like my soul.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
“Black as night, sweet as sin.”
― Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys
What about you? Are you a morning coffee, or tea drinker? Do comment, I’d love to find out.
Bye for now. Off to make myself a coffee….. This is what I need in my cupboards just in case… and those cakes look scrumptious too!
Marje @ Kyrosmagica xx
Your poor brother!! I’m laughing imaging his incredulity and then despair at the lack of coffee in the house. We are tea drinkers – my hubby on good old ‘builder’s tea’, I like the herbal ones but we make sure to always have coffee to hand. Must admit though, the jar often sits there for so long it goes out of date!
Yes, I think I nearly tipped him over the edge!! Poor soul. Somehow if you’re more of a tea drinker, (though I do like coffee too, particularly the kind with chocolate added!) you don’t realise how coffee can be not just a maybe, but a downright necessity.
Oh dear, your poor brother! I would be a bit grumpy if I didn’t have my morning cup of tea, but would settle for coffee at a push! I take it tea was no substitute for your brother! 🙂
No definitely not!! I daren’t even suggest such a thing!
What a great story about your brother! I loved it and the quote to go with it. They say you are either a coffee lover or a tea lover… I am both! That is pretty rare. I do understand your brother’s dilemma… I need that caffeine jolt in the morning – first thing. After that, I am all about my tea. I am so glad you are back. I missed your quotes and your wonderful commentary! <3
Thank you Colleen, glad you enjoyed it. Yes, I’m both a tea and coffee drinker, love both. Thanks for your warm welcome back, appreciate it so much. 🙂
this was hilarious! So glad he found some coffee! You had me laughing!
Yes poor chap.. I will be seeing him soon so will let him read it!! Hope he sees the funny side… 🙂
Ugh! I can’t live without my coffee in the morning! Thanks very much for joining in, Marje! 😀
P.S. I’ve added your link to this week’s One-Liner Wednesday prompt in the comments. It doesn’t really matter which week you link to from my perspective, but if you ping back to the current week, more people will see it. 🙂
Thanks for the tip Linda, have linked to your most current post. Sorry for inflicting such a terrible story on an avid coffee drinker such as you!!
Marje, thank you for the gracious mention. It’s very much appreciated… 😉
You’re welcome Brian. You’re amusing post gave me the idea for my one-liner so many thanks for that. 🙂
Coffee has diuretic properties, Marje, so don’t be surprised…
Ha ha!! Yes, so true..
Tea of course. Odd how we are such creatures of habit.
Yes, it’s tea for me too, always.
I am a coffee lover, Marje. I love love LOVE my 3 coffees in the morning. The first one use wakes me up. The second one is the best. I have it about 9 am when all the kids have left for school and the house is quiet… bliss! 😁
3 coffees! you certainly are a coffee lover Ali. My brother would be impressed!! 🙂
Haha! Some days I’m a complete rebel and manage 4… but 3 is usually my limit. 😊
Ohhhh!!!! If I had that many I’d get the jitters….
Strangely, it doesn’t affect me in the slightest. I must have the constitution of an ox!
I have an occasional cup of coffee but I prefer tea. I’ve noticed that most coffee aficionados don’t care much for tea.
Yes true coffee aficionados aren’t great tea drinkers Vashti.